Just Be

There is a poem by Marianne Williamson called "Our Deepest Fear".  I read it a long time ago, but occasionally would conjur up pieces of it when I was feeling some type of way.  In it's entirety, it reads like this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So, I studied this poem recently.  I read it over and over again until it became a part of my spirit.  You see, for a while, a part of me wanted to be a part of the background.  I wanted to secretly blend in to the scenery and become invisible.  Because of so many insecurities that I had allowed to take up residence in my mind, I just didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself.  But I wasn't like that always.

In my late teens, early twenties, I packed up and moved to Baltimore, MD with my dear, precious Aunt Kathy.  And lawd, you couldn't tell me NOTHING!  I lived my life in COLOR. I had an awesome job and no responsibility. I was Miss It, Miss Grown and Sexy, Miss Imma Do Me!  I definitely was not looking to blend in.  Fresh off the train with my southern girl charm and country drawl, I immediately made friends. There was nothing shrinking about my personality then.  I didn't have many fears and if I did, I didn't allow them to consume me in such a way that I would shy away from a challenge.  But life happened.  Opinions and achievements/lack of achievements, heart aches and heart breaks happened and began to impede my self-confidence.  And then one day I magically began to live a life in neutral. 

You see, I knew at a very young age I was supposed to be somebody special.  God revealed BIG plans to me.  I would lock myself away and read for hours about how others lived their high class lifestyles.  I would visualize the house I would have, the cars I would drive, the friends I would share my world with and the family I would take care of.  When my grandfather was sick with pancreatic cancer, I would spend time with him and clip his nails and groom him.  He was a very "dapper" man and was always clean and shiny! One of our many conversations was about cars.  So he asked me, baby if you could have any car in the world, what would it be?  Mind you I was 13...I said I want a 500 SL Mercedes Benz, red convertible with tan leather interior!  He said what in the world do you know about a car like that?  I said I just do!  He said well I am quite certain you will have everything you could ever dream of.  I dreamed of someday teaching girls about proper etiquette and how to be a lady. (Yeh, me, what did I know about proper etiquette! LOL) I love Audrey Hepburn and My Fair Lady was and still is one of my favorite movies.  So I would study her and pretend...I couldve, I should've, I would've...if only...

But I sit here today, at the age of 40 reaching deep down and pulling her back up.  She was dormant for too long.  Some may say, who is she to think she is brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Who is she that she would think she deserves the house, the cars, the family, the love, the peace, the joy...and I ask them, who am I not to be. So now, I tell myself every day, JUST BE.  Be Brilliant, Be Talented, Be Fabulous.  It's ok.

 Find your inner Eliza.  Allow her to flourish.  Stop blending in and start standing out.  We were all meant to shine!

AJoy ~ GN

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14

The Mean Reds

I loved the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's.  Even before I really understood the plot, theme or whatever they are called. LOL.  But there was just something about the sadness, happiness, quirkiness, boldness and vulnerability of Holly that appealed to me, even as a teenager when I first saw the movie.

There is one scene where Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn) explains what having the "mean reds" actually means.  "The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of....Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!" You would have to watch the movie to understand that last part! 

So my question to myself this evening was, when I get the mean reds, what calms me down?  We all need a "resting place".  A place we can run and recoup, a sanctuary.  Instead of a man-cave, we need a diva dome! Because there is nothing appealing about a cave! And real diva's don't do anything small.  LOL. But seriously.  I'm not speaking only of a physical space.  The mean reds can be debilitating.  Fear can be all consuming and will hinder you from progression.  I know.  Because I have fears that I cannot even identify at times.  It just creeps in and sucks all sense of confidence, ability and awesomeness from me.  And don't even get me started on public speaking.  And what is so ironic, someone is always telling me how well I speak!  But it scares me to pieces! My hands shake, my knees knock, and I lose my breath because of my abnormal diaphragm so I can't say too many words without taking breaths...I see myself as a hot mess when I speak.

So what do you have to do to overcome those nasty mean reds? I found an excerpt from A Better You Blog, 5 Steps to Overcome Fear of Failure, and they actually make sense and can be easily applied.


~ Identify your fear - What is it you are most afraid of?
~ Understand your fear - Figure out the messages and warnings your fear sends you.
~ Re-Interpret it - Once you know the messages fear sends, create positive messages to replace them.
~ Disable it - Take the insecurity or hurt of your past and fight to remove its strength.
~ Use it - take that anger and frustration from having fear and let it motivate you to accomplish amazing things.

From this day forward, I vow that the mean reds have no power over me anymore.  On my list of things to do tomorrow, (well, later this morning) is to identify, understand, reinterpret, disable and use my fear.  I will write it down so I know for sure what it or they are.  Fear is not of God and I refuse to let it play leading role in my life any longer.  I know I am destined for greatness.  Whether anyone else believes it or not.

~GN, AJOY


Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world gives, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. John 14:27