So, I studied this poem recently. I read it over and over again until it became a part of my spirit. You see, for a while, a part of me wanted to be a part of the background. I wanted to secretly blend in to the scenery and become invisible. Because of so many insecurities that I had allowed to take up residence in my mind, I just didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to myself. But I wasn't like that always.“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
In my late teens, early twenties, I packed up and moved to Baltimore, MD with my dear, precious Aunt Kathy. And lawd, you couldn't tell me NOTHING! I lived my life in COLOR. I had an awesome job and no responsibility. I was Miss It, Miss Grown and Sexy, Miss Imma Do Me! I definitely was not looking to blend in. Fresh off the train with my southern girl charm and country drawl, I immediately made friends. There was nothing shrinking about my personality then. I didn't have many fears and if I did, I didn't allow them to consume me in such a way that I would shy away from a challenge. But life happened. Opinions and achievements/lack of achievements, heart aches and heart breaks happened and began to impede my self-confidence. And then one day I magically began to live a life in neutral.
You see, I knew at a very young age I was supposed to be somebody special. God revealed BIG plans to me. I would lock myself away and read for hours about how others lived their high class lifestyles. I would visualize the house I would have, the cars I would drive, the friends I would share my world with and the family I would take care of. When my grandfather was sick with pancreatic cancer, I would spend time with him and clip his nails and groom him. He was a very "dapper" man and was always clean and shiny! One of our many conversations was about cars. So he asked me, baby if you could have any car in the world, what would it be? Mind you I was 13...I said I want a 500 SL Mercedes Benz, red convertible with tan leather interior! He said what in the world do you know about a car like that? I said I just do! He said well I am quite certain you will have everything you could ever dream of. I dreamed of someday teaching girls about proper etiquette and how to be a lady. (Yeh, me, what did I know about proper etiquette! LOL) I love Audrey Hepburn and My Fair Lady was and still is one of my favorite movies. So I would study her and pretend...I couldve, I should've, I would've...if only...
But I sit here today, at the age of 40 reaching deep down and pulling her back up. She was dormant for too long. Some may say, who is she to think she is brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. Who is she that she would think she deserves the house, the cars, the family, the love, the peace, the joy...and I ask them, who am I not to be. So now, I tell myself every day, JUST BE. Be Brilliant, Be Talented, Be Fabulous. It's ok.
Find your inner Eliza. Allow her to flourish. Stop blending in and start standing out. We were all meant to shine!
AJoy ~ GN
"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14
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